I'm normal, I swear

bermuda-n-drangle:

nightingalesoul:

chaumas-deactivated20230115:

notwiselybuttoowell:

triviallytrue:

ghostpalmtechnique:

triviallytrue:

max1461:

triviallytrue:

friendshapedhole:

triviallytrue:

huffylemon:

aren’t gorillas gentle giants or something. i stay out of his way, he doesn’t maul me, we have a nice time picking out clothes together in opposite sides of the mall

Male gorillas are super aggressive and territorial. Also they interpret nearly every human mannerism as a sign of aggression or a challenge. Smiling and eye contact are both things that zookeepers have to be taught to suppress when they’re in the vicinity of gorillas.

Well unless the mall is his native territory I think I’m fine, I wasn’t planning on smiling at him

This is all irrelevant because the obvious answer is five black mambas. I mean, that’s not actually very many snakes, and malls are fucking huge. And unlike a gorilla you can definitely outrun a snake if it does show up. Find an open space in the mall where you can see any snake coming and just hangout out there. Fucking easy.

Misguided! I would much rather have a mallmate I can easily see and hear coming. I’m confident I can stay out of the gorilla’s way, but if I step on a snake or one otherwise gets the jump on me, it’s all over.

It’s not just about the physical danger either, it’s about my mental health. One gorilla, unless he’s actively mad at me, I just keep a healthy distance between us and make sure I never get trapped. With the snakes, it requires a lot more constant vigilance

They should substitute “chimpanzee” for “gorilla” in this hypothetical.

if it was a chimp i’m taking the fucking snakes

Black mambas have a reputation build on being very venomous and very fast. I’m not sure why you would think you could outrun one (or five) in an enclosed space like a mall.

Malls usually have pretty slick floors, and escalators. I’d choose the gorilla simply because I think that would make an more interesting story (and a better-selling autobiography, I Survived the Mall Gorilla) but I think I’d stand a pretty good chance at avoiding the mamba. They’re fast and aggressive and will chase you but unless we started immediately beside each other I think my sneakers would have the terrain advantage over scutes.

this is too good to leave hidden in the replies

fucking enamored with the implication that this gorilla is fully intelligent but is trying to manufacture plausible deniability like the movie barnyard

chaumas-deactivated20230115:

masterboa:

chaumas-deactivated20230115:

chaumas-deactivated20230115:

chaumas-deactivated20230115:

I know it’s not actually a measure of their medical competence but I can’t trust doctors if I can’t make them laugh. If I can make them laugh then maybe they will care about me just that much more. You wouldn’t let your favorite clown go neglected, would you? You wouldn’t let Pagliacci DIE?

PT: “What are your goals for physical therapy?”

Me: “I want to be the Dancing Queen.”

PT: “Oh, are you a dancer?”

Me: “No, but maybe physical therapy could help me unleash my potential.”

PT: “I’m going to put down ‘exercise’.”

My optometrist was a tough nut to crack but eventually I got him to open up about his Tragic Backstory then he laughed sadistically at me for crying about it—but he DID laugh. So. Counts as a win.

why does your optometrist have a tragic backstory

the worldbuilding is exquisite

animentality:

headspace-hotel:

headspace-hotel:

headspace-hotel:

In the future, children will think our ways are strange. “Why do old people always grow so much milkweed in their gardens?” they’ll say. “Why do old people always write down when the first bees and butterflies show up? Why do old people hate lawn grass so much? Why do old people like to sit outside and watch bees?”

We will try to explain to them that when we were young, most people’s yards were almost entirely short grass with barely any flowers at all, and it was so commonplace to spray poisons to kill insects and weeds that it was feared monarch butterflies and American bumblebees would soon go extinct. We will show them pictures of sidewalks, shops, and houses surrounded by empty grass without any flowers or vegetables and they will stare at them like we stared at pictures of grimy children working in coal mines

We will be feeding our grandchildren strawberries and raspberries we grew in our gardens, dragging them along to the farmers’ markets for tomatoes and eggs and goats milk and pickles and pecans and salsa and sunflower seed butter and jars of honey, as they complain and drag their feet because Gramma always stands around talking to people for like an HOUR

and we will say “When I was YOUR age, fruits and vegetables came from a supermarket and they were bred to get shipped 1000 miles in a truck and sit on shelves for weeks, and they tasted so sour and watery it was like eating paper compared to these ones. It wasn’t even legal in some places to grow your own food”

and they will roll their eyes like yeah yeah just because everything was miserable in the 20s doesn’t mean I have to have a smile on my face standing in the hot sun while you listen to that one guy talk about his bees FOREVER

But they will go, because there might be baby goats.

Since I made this post, dozens and dozens of people have left tags telling me that it was the first thing today that made them want to continue living, that it was the first thing that made them consider that they might be okay years in the future, that they might grow old, that it was the first and only post of its kind they’d ever seen—the first post that boldly predicts a future where we make it.

And many other people have been just spitting, foaming at the mouth fucking FURIOUS. How dare I have the audacity to imagine a future where things get better?

Don’t I know how BAD things are? Am I not aware of the TERROR and DEVASTATION of climate change and fascism and biodiversity loss? How dare someone be so bold, so callous, as to imagine something other than misery and suicide. How dare someone suggest it will get better. How dare a person propose that there is a future where we will be okay, in the face of so much terror. Hasn’t she seen the abyss opening its jaws before us?

Well? What do you think?

Do you think I’ve seen the abyss?

derinthescarletpescatarian:

the-beard-of-edward-teach:

derinthescarletpescatarian:

caspersgraveyard:

derinthescarletpescatarian:

startledoctopus:

derinthescarletpescatarian:

I saw somebody be wrong on the internet and I didn’t respond (don’t want to get involved) and I’m being SO brave about it

I should never have made this post because now every time it gets a new note I’m reminded of how wrong that one person on the internet was.

reblog to remind them how wrong that one person on the internet was

THEY WERE SO WRONG. ON THE INTERNET.

What were they wrong about?

NO I AM BEING SO BRAVE ABOUT IT

fairycosmos:

what are you even supposed to do when youre angry.  cant scream at anyone cos im not a dick. cant break anything cos i paid money for that. cant rip my hair out cos i need it on my head. literally what now

narcissistcookbook:

qalbtalk:

kosmogrl:

“…use things to have good days.”

the loading screen trying to convince me to use even one of my 3000 consumables

biggest-gaudiest-patronuses:

biggest-gaudiest-patronuses:

biggest-gaudiest-patronuses:

zainekabang:

biggest-gaudiest-patronuses:

i have some questions yet i find myself too afraid to seek answers

dear god not the tumbleweeds

completely justified response if you haven’t encountered tumbleweeds firsthand (because most of us are only familiar with the loony tunes version) but in reality….

ALT

ALT

ALT

so the thing about tumbleweeds is they are in fact incredibly invasive. they cause millions of dollars of damage every year, and create serious traffic accidents and agricultural disruption. (they’re also highly flammable, because of course they are.) the town in question was piled so deep, residents had to call 911 after being trapped in their homes. bulldozers and emergency workers had to be brought. it was wild.

tumbleweeds are also heavier than they look–they’re made of wood after all. and they’re big (most varieties top out at 4 feet, but there are larger ones that can reach up to 6 feet across. you know how the Emu War sounds absurd and fictional until you realize emus are 6 solid feet of clawed, beaked, avian dinosauric FUCK YOU? yeah, this is like that

ALT

in summary, tumbleweeds are thorny, pollen-filled, fire-spreading assholes (and they can spread radiation from old nuclear sites), which means we are dealing roaming packs of stabby, poisonous, radioactive fireballs of death that can appear out of nowhere coming at you top speed down the middle of the highway!

the more you know :D

in conclusion, please have this photo of the only tumbleweed i have any fucking fondness for (the South African Brunsvigia bosmaniae), solely due to the fact it’s fucking PINK

is it as evil as all its cousins? probably! do i care? that just makes it sexier! and the bulbs contain hallucinogenic properties, which makes perfect sense from a single glance:

heedra:

heedra:

fuck “girl lunch” fuck “girl math” a woman is a hairy animal who sweats and grunts and excretes and hungers and gets wrinkly and dies eventually. you have to love that.

ppl are tagging this post with things like ‘ooh i want to meet a woman like this’ or with specific characters which kind of misses the point i was trying to make. ALL WOMEN ARE LIKE THIS. IT STANDS IN CONTRAST TO NOTHING. WRAP YOUR ARMS AROUND IT.

amingethia:

a-really-hot-caterpillar:

Do you think Icarus would be into waxplay or would that be his safeword zone cuz of trauma

You just don’t get quality content like this on other sites

saint-sacrilege-blog:

This is how 40k works

ruffboijuliaburnsides:

wha-et-deactivated20210209:

POV: you just moved to a new country and an enthusiastic classmate walks you through the morning routine

The children have gone feral and I love it.

null-is-sparing-you:

espurrnential:

depsidase:

the “you aren’t friends” really sells it.